Kim Catrall’s character from Sex and the City said it best when she said, “Men cheat for the same reason a dog licks themselves. Because they can”.
What is the definition of a man? I don’t mean the biological, “I have a penis” definition. I suppose a better way to pose the question is, what defines a man? Moreover, a “good” man? Most men would say that a “real” man is tough, doesn’t give in to emotion, spits, scratches their balls in public, and of course, the more women they get in bed, the higher on the “man ladder” they are. My definition, however, says a man is honest, protective, but not possessive, funny, smart, and loyal. The sad thing is, I’ve only seen these attributes in one man…my brother. Why? Because he was surrounded by women for 23 years.
If we look back at history, even the most respected men couldn’t keep it in their pants. John Adams was rumored to have sent General Pickering to Europe to obtain mistresses. Thomas Jefferson fathered many illegitimate children from Sally Hemings. FDR had an affair with Lucy Page Mercer. Apparently, being in a wheel chair didn’t stop him from chasing tail. And there’s JFK. His affair pisses me off the most because what moron cheats on Jackie O’?
This shows women that men don’t want a classy, intellectual girl. They want the easy ones because it’s less work. Those presidents had it made with their wives, and they screwed it up. Could you imagine Obama cheating on Michelle? That would be one domestic dispute I’d love to see. Now men use excuses like, “I have commitment issues”, “I just want to have fun”, or the most recent popular excuse, “I’m a sex addict”. Bite me.
Someone please explain this to me. Why is monogamy harder to control then the damn economy? Why can’t love (and great sex) be enough for a man? No wonder women are crazy. We devote all this time to be perfect for them, and they just laugh in our faces whilst groping another girl on the front porch.
Not to say all women are innocent. Women cheat and lie like any other man. But the worst women are the man stealers. You see, women have this power that all straight men worship; it’s located between our legs. Man stealers see a man they want, don’t care if he has a significant other, and they pursue. Those women abuse the power the God has given them to hurt others, and spread herpes.
My solution for adulterous men and women? Castration! Congratulations to me. I just solved all the world’s problems.
The worst part of it all, the “good” women are left with two options: suffering and heartache. Or we take them back and forever wonder if they’re being faithful. I would like to pretend I’m Super Woman and say “f--- that” to those options, but that pesky love-thing gets in the way. Our heads are filled with mixed thoughts, hurt feelings, and good memories of the relationship. So what do we do? Forgive and forget? Or attempt to move on, when in reality you lose eight pounds in three days and cry yourself to sleep. Castration sounds nice, huh?
I am unsure if I am supposed to take this seriously or not. But for argument's sake let's say I am...
ReplyDeleteI tried and I couldn't.
When you categorize an entire gender--just shy of half the human population!-- in any light (positive or negative) you immediately lose credibility because people and sexuality are far more nuanced than that. I mean, you need only look so far as biological anomalies and the disintegration of gender roles to see that a decisive classification is impossible.
I for one, am a man lover. I love men who cheat on Jackie O—if of course they are cheating on her with me. (You see, I am admittedly a man-stealer) I mean, what an honor! N'est pas? I love watching men scratch at their balls as they simultaneously spit, curse, pour whiskey, fart, chew meat, call someone a "pussy," shoot a gun, and solve the world's most complex problems. O the praise it warrants from the bottom of my soul!
ReplyDeleteAnd how I wish I could lose 8 pounds in three days, what a deliciously charming ability.
Ladies, ladies.
ReplyDeleteAdmitting you have loved a man, or at least "that pesky love-thing gets in the way," is funny since it undermines your own point, bringing out the humanity (which needs, needs to be focused) in this piece. Because this isn't an essay.
That line alone makes me question your seriousness, so I'll leave the derision to capable hands.
And I consider myself a romantic.
ReplyDeleteI think your point of view is very strong here, but your tone is very angry throughout a lot of your writing. You need to pull it back a little bit because it takes away from the point you are trying to make and the rest of your writing.
ReplyDeleteAlso, be careful with generalizing about a whole group of people, i.e. women in this piece. I can agree with a few things you say here because at certain times I may have felt that way, but overall it is your opinion not the opinion of all women, so don't talk like you are talking for the whole gender.